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And now, Adam and Joe.
Joe, Joe, Joe... Oh no!
You did that again!
Well, I assume that if you start, I should take over.
Alright, you start with the electronic bubbling then.
What if I want to start with the Joe, Joe, Joe... Well no, no, not acceptable.
Why not?
Why can't I sing the first bit?
Sorry, but no, you have to apply for a rearrangement of the title of our names.
Adam and Joe it is.
To be honest...
I don't think you should be allowed to do... I mean, last week it was all the Thunderbird.
If we're going to sing a song purely with the words Adam and Joe, we should stick to that remit.
Okay, fine.
Let's start again then.
Well, it's pointless then if you sit there and don't do anything.
The thing that you should do is do the... but do it with your name.
That's the thing to do.
No, because it's a bubbling bed and then it starts with Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe.
That's not the idea.
Adam, Adam, Joe, Joe, Joe.
Adam, Adam, Joe, Joe, Joe.
Right?
OK, I tell you what, because it's Christmas, you can do the bubbling bed.
I'm not married to the bubbling bed.
I just want to get this thing going right!
OK, do it.
A-da-da-dum.
I think you should do the bubbling bed.
Sweet baby Jesus in his cradle, surrounded by the wise man.
Go on, do it.
It'll sound good.
It'll sound good.
A-da-da-dum.
What are you doing?
You suddenly stopped!
Yeah, that's where you come in!
Well, that's not how I remember the song.
Start again.
Can we establish what I... Ah, duh-duh-dum, jo-jo-jo.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
I should have flipped it around.
Well you're just doing all joke.
Let's stop.
What was wrong with that?
That was fine, but it was just mainly turning into you singing popcorn with Joe's in.
That's what people want to hear.
That was Luke who suggested that.
If you haven't done it already, I think Hot Butter's version of the popcorn song would be great for your podcast intro.
I mean, has anyone else done a version of the popcorn song?
I thought Hot Butter created that one in the 17th century.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's from the 17th century.
Is it?
Yeah.
It's a popular piece of chamber music.
Sting does a version of it on his latest album with a mandolin.
A mandolin?
Who's she?
Christmas, folks, just around the corner.
And this was our last live show for quite some time.
Yes, don't forget there will be a show on Boxing Day.
It's pre-recorded, but you can put that out of your mind and that will be available as a podcast as well.
So this is really our penultimate podcast.
But, if you've downloaded this podcast on Monday evening, you will find that for 11 days hereafter, you will have extra podcasts to download.
One of them will be the Christmas pre-record, but then a lot of the other ones are very, very early protoplasmic podcasts from when we first started at 6Music.
Shall we get into this week's one though?
Yes!
Here it is!
I gotta be strong.
Just keep pushing on.
There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle.
Sometimes, you're gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side.
It's the climb.
This is really moving, man.
Is this just off the top of your head?
Is this spontaneous?
I'm freestyling because it's the last show.
It's really inspiring though.
Yeah, you know, it's a little bit like Terry Wiggins when he bowed out yesterday.
He had a very emotional show.
Did you hear that?
I didn't hear it.
Wonderful, absolutely uplifting.
Was it?
Yeah, he made a wonderful speech at the end.
Has he gone for good then?
No, he said he's back in February.
Did he?
Till we're back together in February.
But he's changing his slot, isn't he?
He's having his slot removed and put somewhere else.
Yeah, he's having the slot operation.
He's in hospital till February.
Having the slot moved.
The operation itself doesn't take long, but it takes a while to recover from it.
It's very sore and raw.
These old tubes coming out of him and stuff.
For God's sake, don't use it till it's fully healed.
Otherwise, all kinds of damage could be done.
No, but his show, like his morning breakfast slot, Wake Up With Wiggins, that came to an end.
And it was really emotional.
It was in all the papers.
So I'm trying to do the same sort of thing.
Don't say anything about us in the papers.
No.
Well, we've only been here two years.
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side.
It's the climb.
Keep on moving.
Keep climbing.
Keep the faith, baby.
I'm talking to you, listeners.
It's all about, it's all about the climb.
Keep the faith.
Keep your faith.
What is this?
What do you mean, what is this?
It's some new Soul 2 Soul record.
It's the Christmas number one, isn't it?
Is it?
It's gonna be.
Is that what Joe Thingy is singing?
Unless rage against the swear box have anything to do with it.
Yeah, that's Joe McElderry.
No way.
With his pretty plastic face.
He's handsome, don't you think?
Do you think?
Of course he's handsome.
Yeah, he's handsome.
He looks like a Jeff Koons sculpture.
He does, absolutely.
You know, faultless porcelain man.
But does he have any kind of discernible personality?
Of course he does.
Of course he does.
They've just tried to limit it and control it.
It just seems unbelievable to me that he would have the trifecta, the amazing voice, the wonderful looks, which he undoubtedly has, and the personality?
Surely not.
Come on.
I mean, so far he's hiding it, but I don't know if he's going to bring out the big guns when it really counts and suddenly unleash the personality.
What kind of personality do you think it's going to be?
I don't know, that's what I'm saying.
What kind of personality do you reckon he's got under there?
I think really belligerent and rude and foul-mouthed.
Right, right.
And really filthy.
Because at the moment he's keeping it all locked down.
He seems very anodyne and cute, but I don't think that's the truth at all.
I think he's got some really quite shocking tattoos.
just under the very top of his shirt collar is a really quite breathtaking word.
That if he just looked up too high it would pop out from under his collar and it would make mums and dads blush.
What kind of word?
Front?
Spelled F-R-U-N-T?
Something along those lines.
Oh my goodness.
I like to listen to Adam and Jo, but I listen to the podcast, not the live show.
I used to feel acute frustration, because I couldn't join in with Text the Nation.
But now my troubles have disappeared Because Retro Texting Nation's here And now my letter might be read out Instead of thrown in the trash and forgotten about
There we go, a special Christmas treat, listeners.
We had bin and trash there simultaneously.
That was created by a listener whose name is Dan Harris, especially to placate bin haters or bin lovers, trash haters and trash lovers.
That is beautiful.
It's a beautiful sentiment for this time of year.
The melging of the bin and the trash.
Melging?
That's like a fusion between merging and melding.
Yeah.
What do you call it?
It's a portmanteau word, isn't it?
Is it?
I believe so.
Like it.
Uh, here is Retro Text the Nation this week.
Listeners, it's about homemade presents.
Best or worst that you ever done or got, yeah?
And we had some very nice ones in last week.
There's a picture on the blog of the Jabba the Hutt poo, I believe.
Here's a message from Mark Tyler.
Dear Hanjolo, an old bucky one, please find attached the poo with the face.
Jabba the poo is currently in Essex and I'm in Switzerland, so please thank my sister Penny Tyler for sending the picture to me.
Love you, bye.
Mark Tyler.
It's a very amusing little jab of the poo, not revolting in any way, just heartwarming.
It's made of clay.
It's made of clay, right.
Yeah.
And it's green.
Feces.
Yeah.
So go to bbc.co.uk slash blog slash
Adam and Joe all one word and you'll find a cornucopia of delights.
So here are the best retrospective entries we got for last week's Text the Nation.
Here's one from Dave Moore.
I've edited this down a bit for impact.
That's right.
My student girlfriend, who is now my ex, made me a plaster cast of her boobs for Christmas.
I had this one!
Great boobs, great present.
Dave Moore.
Oh, is that it?
Yeah, I edited it down for impact.
Do you want to read the rest of it out?
Sure, I like the rest of it.
I mean, the rest of it goes into how he used them to keep keys in, and he put them on the top of the wardrobe, and then eventually he floated them down to Thames, down to Thames, in a Viking-style burial with little candles on them.
Exactly, because he said it was a little bit weird, like when, after he stopped going out with the girl who made the plaster cast of her boobs, and he started going out with other girls, questions were, you know, not surprisingly asked about where his head was at.
Who's are those boobs in the corner?
I mean, that's totally unacceptable, isn't it?
Dave, who's are those boobs?
They're not mine.
Who's are they in the corner on the wardrobe?
Who's are those boobs?
They're looking at me!
It's very disconcerting for a woman to have more than one pair in the house.
And for a man, I think.
A lot of Dave Moore's guests were asking questions about where Dave slept.
It's like one of those portraits that follows you around the room.
Yes, exactly.
Especially if she'd done it on a cold day, the plaster cast.
But that's a good present.
That is a good present.
Done it on a cold day.
I mean, in the 60s, they had plaster casts of all parts of the body.
Yeah.
And it's gone out of fashion a little bit, I feel, but maybe something to bring back.
Well, in the 60s, people used to have those plaster casts on their front doors, didn't they?
Did they?
That's what you used to do to mark your territory, yeah.
Plaster cast of your Julie's we're talking.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just in the 60s hung on the front of your house.
That's right.
Jimi Hendrix.
That was the tradition.
Had his as a big door knocker.
It went out at the end of the 60s.
Good message though.
Thanks Dave.
Here's one from Nick Dollings.
He says, hello, my blind grandmother was a dab hand with a knitting needle.
One year she knitted my brother a bottle green chunky knit sweater.
What made it really special though was the two tassels she added where his nipples would be.
One tassel for each nipple.
She's no longer with us.
Cheerio Nick Collins.
That's nice though, isn't it?
That's very nice.
What was granny thinking about that?
She couldn't see, isn't that the point?
Yeah, but she's made the tassels.
Everyone loves tassels on a jumper.
I put a couple of tassels over for your nipples.
Why, Granny?
Because then you can make them spin around.
To make them jazzy, spin around, that kind of thing.
You can still be warm, but have the fun of a dancing girl.
Dave in Belfast says, I once photocopied the listings for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day from the festive radio times.
Then I highlighted my recommendations with a little commentary on the side.
Unmissable, avoid, simply must see, stinker, etc.
It went down an absolute treat.
I did the photocopy on a nice big A3 page for ease of use.
It's the dream gift for any TV lover for the holiday season.
I don't know about that being like the main gift.
I think he blew it up to A3 and he probably, I mean I'm guessing here, he probably mounted them on some polyboard.
I reckon he laminated it or something.
Possibly.
And then gave them as gifts.
I think that's very good.
Even so, I don't know if that's a dream gift.
He says, it went down an absolute treat.
It is the dream gift.
It is the dream gift, so I'm wrong.
But I would think that in my house that would be considered more of a dream accessory, not like the main present.
Yeah, but it's time saving.
So darling, um, I think you're really gonna like what I've got.
You've got me a laminated photocopy of the listings.
Shall we watch Noel's Christmas presents?
Well, let's just check.
Stinker?
No, let's not.
Dave says it's a stinker.
This is the best gift I've ever got!
Saving me so much time!
But which one is the best?
It's Adam.
Taking a deep breath and then talking about some really blank kitchen.
He hasn't got his own house.
Somewhere in Swanage or something.
He's an itinerant.
I feel sorry for him.
Yeah.
Dickinson I feel less sorry for.
Where did Dickinson start?
Was he bargain basement hunt or something?
Yeah, he wasn't he, I don't know, he was an expert on one of those antiques programs.
He's a ridiculous, if you don't know for some reason who he is, he's an antiques expert.
He's orange.
He's orange, he's got a larger-than-life personality, seems like an amiable fellow and he, on Dickinson's real deal, he and a team of so-called experts
evaluate or valuate rather, things that people have brought in.
Evaluate?
Isn't that the word?
Rather than evaluate?
Well, no.
Evaluate is something else.
Evaluate is specifically about putting a monetary value on something.
I think so, yeah.
To evaluate you can do without actually talking specifically about money.
Anyway, they've got like a little coterie of experts, all of whom have variously outrageous personalities.
Yes.
One of them, have you seen the sort of very flamboyantly... Is this the one where they try and offer them money?
Yeah.
And the person has to refuse the money.
It's got a bit of deal or no deal in there.
That's the one.
And they have the money fan... Oh no, he counts it onto the table, doesn't he?
And it's pathetic amounts.
That's right.
Like it's about six pounds.
Yeah, four pounds.
Oh, what about five pounds?
Why that what about six pounds?
So someone brings their Toby jug collection and they put them on the table and he's saying mmm I like and there's there's like an outrageously flamboyant Queenie guy there right always got to be one of those
Who looks, I mean, he looks like a caricature, a sort of offensive caricature of a flamboyant queen that would come out of a sitcom in the 70s, right?
Weirdly dyed hair and a very loud garish shirt, loads of jangly gold jewellery on and stuff.
And he kind of talks like this, and he says, right, look at your Toby drugs, okay, I'm thinking, what do you think, what do you want for them?
And the person says, well, OK, well, before you answer, I'm going to put down £10.
And the person says, oh, I was hoping for a little bit more.
OK.
What about if I put down another £5?
Is that good?
Or would you want more?
It's weird, like, obviously they're going to always want more.
And they always look very embarrassed, the people with their objects, because it's a sort of shameful thing they're doing.
They're going on TV and they're sitting there with their Toby jugs or whatever, and they're just asking people for money.
Can I have a bit more money?
please can I have a bit more money?
You know what would be great?
Is if you gave me a tiny bit more money.
It's such a weird show.
It is an odd show.
It's a step away from just rifling through bins, don't you think?
Yeah.
That would be a good morning show as well.
I mean, they don't really need the objects, you know what I mean?
They could just do it without, like, with a person going up to a presenter looking a bit embarrassed,
Right.
Hello, nice to meet you, Charlotte.
Now, how much money would you like?
I'd like, um, please could I have about £20?
No.
I'm going to give you £15.
Is that OK?
Well, I was hoping for £20.
I'm not going to give you that, though.
There's £15.
I'm sorry.
There's no way I'm going to give you £20.
Off you go.
Thanks a lot.
Bye.
That's how it's going to end up.
You know, they'll just cut out the middleman.
Get rid of the objects.
That's a good idea for a show.
Yeah, do you reckon?
Yeah, I think so.
Can I have some money?
Especially during these hard-hit recessionary times.
Give us some money.
Just give us some money.
You could ask the person what they might do for the money.
Yes, could be a late-night program With some flamboyant to colorful prose.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's a nice idea It's time for songs wars the war of the songs
Now, we should both apologise if our Song Wars efforts are a tiny bit slapdash this week.
Yeah.
Also, I mean, it's a double slap in the face in a way because they are Boggins based.
Yeah, this might be unpopular with a certain, you know, section of the listenership, but don't worry, if you hate Boggins, your feelings will be represented in one of the songs.
Joe is responsible for a anti-Boggins song.
Right?
Yeah.
And I'm doing... I got allocated it.
Yeah.
And I'm doing a broadly pro-Boggins song.
Yeah.
So we're going to flip a coin and see who plays their song first.
Yeah, yeah.
OK.
What are you calling, being flipped?
I'm calling for heads.
If it's heads, I go first.
Heads, you go first.
It's tails.
It's tails, I go second.
You go second.
So, introduce your song for the listeners here, and we should say that this is a non-competitive, festive Song Wars.
You don't need to vote.
You can just fight amongst yourselves at home.
You just sit back, relax, and let the rubbish flow over you, like being caught beneath a bin.
Ooh, smooth.
Anyway, here's my Boggins song.
It is... I'm not going to say too much about it.
I think it speaks for itself.
It's Cri de Coeur from The Stinky Man, and here it is.
Hey, everybody's trying to kill me.
I don't even know what I've done.
I only try to lick their face And bite their legs a little bit Some people want to shoot me
Or chop me into little pieces Because I stink and I'm a disgrace And not funny, I love you I just want to scamp around your house Leaving mud all over the place And if I see a little baby I'm gonna lick its little face
I think that is my anal glands.
I drag my bum across the carpet and it smells.
Please don't kill me cause I really love you I'm sorry that I chewed your shoes And I'm sorry that you put them on and found those booze
To make up for it I found your clean sheets and rolled around on top of them.
And then I left a little gift beneath for you.
It was a poo.
Everybody's trying to kill me.
Even though I'm sweet and kind.
I just want to itch my soul behind.
I just drank all the water in the lav, I think you're fine.
Refreshing.
I just ate a bird and then I threw it up too.
I just done a poo and ate that too.
I just done a poo.
I love you.
Wow, that's powerful stuff there.
I'm sorry it was so long.
It was long, wasn't it?
You went for the full three and a half years.
I could have obviously edited it down, but I didn't go for the three and a half years.
No, no, no, it was good, it was good, it was good.
There you go, so there's the, that's the, was that the Pro Boggins song?
That was broadly Pro Boggins.
I mean, it's a tricky subject, isn't it?
Because there's only a limited number of things to say about Boggins.
We're going to find out what Joe's angle was.
My song has quite similar lyrical context.
Yeah, yeah.
But of course, you know, I don't do the voice as well as you, so... A lot of you might have read the extraordinary news in the paper.
Yeah.
About Andrew Lloyd Webber.
No.
And his Boggins musical.
Did you not hear that?
No I didn't hear about that.
Well Andrew Lloyd Webber, I'm surprised it's been in all the papers, he's a huge fan of the show.
Yeah.
And he announced this week that he is putting on a musical.
Is he?
Based on Boggins.
Of course.
Which is very exciting and not only that.
Next logical step for the Webster.
I can't believe you haven't heard about this.
Neither can I, I'm amazed.
The other thing he's doing is a BBC reality series.
Yeah.
Called How Do You Solve a Problem Like Boggins.
Hosted by Mark Barrowman or John Barrowman.
Yes, Barrowman will be there as well and they're going across the country to find the country's stinkiest dogs.
John Barrowman.
And doing a 58,000 week series.
58,000 weeks.
Isn't that incredible?
That's not long enough.
It's not long enough, is it?
And they're going to find the perfect dog to play Boggins.
But what I'm going to play you is a song from that musical, and it's a sort of a fantasy sequence about the death of Boggins.
So don't take it too seriously or anything.
It's an imaginary sort of flight of fantasy during the musical.
But this is a song called Kill Boggins.
B-O-G-G-I-N-S
the carpet, but he's oh so terribly sweet.
B-O-G-G-I-N-S, he licks his bits, then licks your face.
He rubs his bum on the carpet, but he's oh so terribly ill.
Why do all the listeners hate him so?
Why do people say he's lame and bring him down the show?
Kill Boggins!
Kill Boggins!
B-O-G-G-I-N-S Is I-U-B-B-I-S-H He urinates on the carpet Cos he's oh so terribly
B-O-G-G-I-N-S His sentence passed, condemned to death He does a poo on the carpet Then he oh so terribly dies
It's classic Cornish.
It's classic Cornish because Cornish always clicks open GarageBand and never adjusts any of the settings.
Do you not?
I'm always amazed.
I can never recognise any of the loops you've found.
That was composed.
Yeah.
That's from Lloyd Webber's new musical Boggins!
Wow!
Exclamation mark.
That's opening at the theatre.
next well in a few years time because it will take them a long time to run this series through to the end yeah and do you think we could present the sister show no that's the thing we're not allowed to have anything to do with it because we're not capable
Now, if you're a regular listener, you might know that a few weeks ago, months ago, years ago even, we did some random singing on the show, Apropos of Nothing, and a listener decided to sample that singing and put it to music.
Since then, this whole thing has snowballed.
These two random bits of inconsequential singing
will put up on the blog and we asked you to see what you could do with them, whether you could turn them into jingles.
And we've had an avalanche of entries showing off our listeners amazing production and sort of home studio recording skills, right?
Yeah, and they've done it for no particular reason other than pure joie de vivre.
So we must have got about 25 different attempts during the week.
Yeah.
And we're going to play you some of the best of those right now whilst saying how grateful we are to every single person who had a go at this because we got some terrific entries, didn't we?
Entries?
It's not really an entry.
There's nothing to enter.
Submissions.
Exactly.
here's one right now from someone who calls himself Jake aka just another DJ and he says good day Cornholio and swashbuckulees that's very nice monikers there thank you very much Jake he says I made a remix
lots of E's, M's, I's and X's there, of Adam's song.
I'm pretty sure you won't be able to play it on air though because I use a lot of samples.
Don't worry man, it's cool, we're rolling with it, yeah?
He says he's done it in an old school hip-hop styley, here it is.
This song is playing on the radio, ayo, come on let's go.
Listen to the song on the radio, this is the song that is playing
Song on the radio, this is a song on the radio, this is a song on the radio, this is a song on the radio, this is a song on the radio.
Very good.
Thanks a lot, Jake, aka just another DJ.
I think there was a bit of Naughty by Nature in there, wasn't there?
I think you're right.
Can you identify any of the other ones?
Ah, no.
I think Impeach the President by The Honeydippers and Shadow of Your Smile by Jack McDuff, as well as Hip Hop Hooray.
Very beautifully done.
Yeah, nice work.
Here's another one right now.
This is from Joe Marsh from Widness.
And he says, this one's a bit more weird.
This is the Adam and Joe remix, James.
And he says, I've been making music using the dead pixel and Joe and bass aliases for a few months now.
I've been meaning to try and do something with those samples on the blog for ages.
Not totally happy with the outcome, but I wanted to get it sent to you before you leave.
Cheers, Joe Marsh from Witness, and here's what he's come up with.
This is quite insane, and it's the Adam and Joe song remix.
Ayo, come on, let's go.
Ayo, come on, let's go.
Ayo, come on, let's go.
Ayo, come on, let's go.
This is number one on the radio Hey ho, come on let's go This is number one on the radio This is the song that you're playing right now, now, now, now, now Oh, the DJ that's playing this song is cool
it's
modern day
Let's have a little chat about that.
Finally, here, if this was a competition, I dare say this might be the winner.
This is Magic John from Shepherds Bush who sent this in.
He says, Hi Adam and Jo.
I had originally dismissed the idea of doing one of these.
He dismissed it.
And then I drank a bottle of wine and decided it was a very good idea indeed.
Here's what he came up with.
Oh, the DJ that's playing the song The station he works for is the best in the world The show he presents is number one in the city Radio's cool, radio's great Radio's cool, radio's great Radio's cool, radio's great Radio's cool, please flame me up pretty
This song is playing on the radio Hey ho, come on, let's go Listen to the song on the radio Listen to the song on the radio Listen to the song on the radio Listen to the song on the radio This is the song that is playing right now Oh, the DJ is playing the song Listen to the song on the radio Oh, the DJ is playing the song
radio
Extraordinary.
You know, it sort of makes the fact that contemporary pop music uses different lyrics for each song seem absurd.
Right.
It would be better if there was just one set of lyrics for all pop.
And everyone had to just use the same resource, yeah.
And then you would just change the melody and the production style.
That's how music's going to be in the future.
That's how it should be.
And also that would solve a lot of copyright issues.
A lot.
And a lot of time.
It would save a lot of time.
Well done, man.
What a good idea.
You've stumbled on a good idea.
Thank you so much to everybody who sent in those songs.
You know, as usual, we listen to them all and we're just sorry that we can't play them all.
But we have put a lot of them up on the blog, bbc.co.uk slash blogs slash Adam and Joe.
We'll be putting up more as well, even after we're off the air.
Thanks also to Hannah and Oscar Davis, they're aged 12 and 14.
We're going to put your song up on the blog in the next week or two.
So look out for it then.
We really enjoyed listening to all of those.
Cheers, listeners.
I had my hair cut last week.
Nice job.
You're looking good, man.
Do you think?
Yeah.
Someone's obviously looking at us on the webcam and someone texted in a text saying they thought I looked like Jim Carrey from Dumb and Dumber.
Oh, a little bit of a bowl cut.
Yeah, here we go.
Joe, I strongly advise you change your haircut.
You look a bit like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber.
What?
Who's that from?
That's an anonymous coward.
Anonymous.
Very nice.
The rest of the text is very nice.
No, I think they're right.
I only read it out because I think they're right.
Because what happened was, he was cutting it really well.
And I stuck my oar in.
Do you ever do this at the barber?
I'm always too timid.
I looked in the mirror.
I thought, this isn't quite right yet.
I'd better tell him how to do his job.
Hand on the shoulder.
Yeah.
So I said, look, I think it should be a bit shorter around the ears.
And I started really enjoying this.
Yeah, ears are in.
Ears are in.
Ears are the hot thing.
Yeah, bring the ears out a bit more.
I thought, this is right.
This is good.
I'm improving this haircut.
Do you ever do that?
No, I never do.
I shouldn't have stuck my oar in, because I think it's too short around the ears.
Yeah.
And I've been worried about this.
My girlfriend said, she said, hmm, it just needs to settle in a bit.
She said it needed to grow in.
So I've been worrying.
Don't worry.
A too short haircut sets itself right.
And now this text comes.
Well, that's just vocalizing my neurosis.
I think I look like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber.
He's very amiable in that.
It's sort of a bowl cut.
Is it a bowl cut?
You can't tell because the headphones are on.
No, I know what they mean.
I thought that was what you'd gone for.
But there's a life lesson to be learned, isn't there?
Yeah.
Don't interfere at the hairdresser.
Don't tell the professionals what they're doing.
No.
They sometimes tell you to bring a photo in, don't they, of what you want to look like.
What I do is I always am too weedy to say, that seems like a lot you're taking off there.
Can you stop, Liz?
Because there's always a point where you think, yeah, that's just about right.
And then they carry on for 20 minutes.
They get carried away.
Well, they're chatting about something, aren't they?
Yeah.
Or listening to weird music or something.
And you think maybe they're not concentrating.
They're just on autopilot.
And they've gone too far.
But I'm making this announcement publicly.
I'm never going to do that again.
No.
I'm just going to trust the hairdresser.
Sure.
And I'd like to advise any young people out there.
You might make the same mistake in life.
Don't do that.
Trust the expert.
Trust the hairdresser.
If you think what they're doing looks a bit wrong, it's not.
When you get home, it'll turn beautiful.
Did you have a sexy hairdresser?
No.
Well, yeah, sexy man.
Sexy man.
Yeah.
Was he leaning into you a little bit?
No, no.
He doesn't.
That's why I'm a repeat customer.
Right, right.
He doesn't press his Julie's against my shoulder.
No.
Sometimes it's quite nice.
Which often happens.
It's quite erotic.
Really?
Yeah.
When they press their bits against your body?
Sure.
When they're reaching to like do the sideburns?
I like it.
But then do you not move your elbow away?
No, I lean in.
I lean back in.
You reciprocate the pressure.
Yeah, sure I do.
Yeah.
I do it instead of a tip sometimes.
I'm a funny person, I often make up jokes My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks When you hear my joke, I think you'll find that you agree Come on, you're all invited to a made-up joke party
There we are.
And now the made-up jokes section of this show, listeners, is for author jokes.
It's not for bad jokes, or good jokes, or jokes you've heard from somebody else or read.
It's for jokes that you've made up yourself.
Because otherwise it would just be a boring jokes section.
Yeah.
And they've got made-up jokes, not made-up jokes.
Everybody does just funny jokes.
These are jokes specifically authored by our listeners, so they're very, very special.
And as you know, we have quite a serious ratification process we put these jokes through.
It involves googling the keywords and seeing what comes up.
Google the punchline there a little bit.
And if we get hits, then the joke simply isn't read out.
Joe Man, we got sent some homemade crackers.
I know, we should talk about them later, otherwise we'll get feature pile-up.
Well, let's pull a cracker.
These were sent in by Richard Holt in London.
He says, please find enclosed six Christmas crackers.
Oh, I won.
These are no ordinary high street impulse purchases.
No, each of these contain a made up joke painstakingly inserted in place of the original by my own fair hand.
Thank you so much, Richard Holt.
We really appreciate that.
But we've no idea what kind of jokes he's going to come up with.
I'm going to put my first Christmas hat on.
Christmas hat on, Derek.
This is the first Christmas hat of the year.
This is exciting, isn't it?
Isn't it anyone that is exciting to go on your top of the old headphones there on the old bowl.
Hey, it's very nice.
Okay.
Here's the joke Which was Quentin Tarantino's most disappointing film?
He's it's the answers ill bill now That's that's that is a made-up joke.
But of course that came out of a cracker So we didn't have a chance to to vet that and when I'm not saying it's a bad joke.
Come on It's just not necessarily up to the tip-top
Here's the one I got in my cracker, which I pulled earlier on.
Which actor is also the best way to open a jar of pickles?
I don't know.
Chris Twistofferson.
You see that's okay, isn't it?
Nice.
Adam, are you worried that you lost the cracker pull twice today?
Do you think you've got bad cracker mojo this year?
Cracker karma.
Do you get depressed if you pull a cracker at Christmas?
It's one of the very few areas that I've managed to be magnanimous in my life.
You've matured your way out of having a
I swear, I no longer throw strops when my sons get the main barrel.
OK, listen, let's get to the main content.
Here are some made up jokes.
This is from the Durkin brothers in Dublin.
So this is a sort of like a songwriting duo equivalent.
It's a joke writing duo.
Lieber and Stoller of made up jokes.
Yeah.
Here's a Labour joke that my brother and I made up.
Why didn't the 1960s rocker like the Klingon hairpiece he won in the sci-fi conventions Call of Duty competition?
Good set up.
Yeah.
Why didn't the 1960s rocker like the Klingon hairpiece he won in the Sci-Fi conventions Call of Duty competition?
Because he saw a Mod-Ern-Worf hair too.
Now this is a very contemporary joke because it's the latest video game, right?
Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2.
Wow.
Mod-Ern-Worf hair too.
Now you like Star Trek.
I'm reeling from the implications.
The Duncan brothers, you are two very clever men, Durkin.
Now just think about that, we'll come back to that, think about it.
Are you consciously saying, now you like Star Trek as one of your catchphrases?
Yes, because it winds you up.
Yeah, I know you don't like it, like a little child.
But it had a mention of Worf, he's your favourite character.
I really do like Worf.
Inspector Worf, whatever he's called.
Did he have his own detective series?
Hmm, Worf, he should have done, yes.
I tell you what, look, I've got a grab bag.
A pick and mix.
A pick and mix.
And these are all made up jokes by listeners?
Yeah, that I printed out and folded up and put in a bag.
Awesome.
Bag.
Okay.
This is from Harry O'Donnell from Essex.
What do you call an elephant who is an actress in EastEnders but is set to gain an environmental role in the House of Lords?
That's a good setup.
Come on, Tim Vine.
I don't know.
Bar bar wind czar.
That is good.
Bar bar wind czar.
Harry O'Donnell from Essex.
Wow.
Hey, James, you pick one.
That's awesome.
Come on, James.
You never get to talk on this show.
What's the favorite cocktail of a CERN physicist?
Ah, good question.
I don't know.
A pina colada.
Pina colada.
There we go.
Who's that from?
I can't buck you lose his face.
You look like you just won an Oscar or something.
From Nicholas Keith.
This is as close as I'm going to get to wearing an Oscar.
Very good.
Very good.
Here, I've got one.
The other day I went to see the reformed Nutty Boys in concert.
However, instead of playing their hits, such as Baggy Trousers, My Girl and House of Fun, they spent the entire concert lecturing the audience about the use of language and behaviour to minimise offence on gender, racial and cultural grounds.
It was madness gone politically correct.
That's from Dave Espley in Stockport.
Next week, listeners, our show is pre-recorded, our special Christmas show, and me and Joe are exchanging gifts, and who knows, Joe might get a special... A lot of mastication there.
Sorry, I was swallowing a little bit of... Boggins.
Boggins.
Who knows, Joe might get a very special musical gift.
This is like a tease to something Joe might be getting next week.
Because Joe's favourite artist, of course, is Bob Dylan, and Joe's favourite album is Bob Dylan's Christmas album.
So, who knows, maybe he'll be getting something that sounds a little bit like this.
Here's a special made-up Bob Dylan Christmas song.
Santa has been here.
You can smell him still, I think.
Whiskey and reindeer.
A little trick while he works.
He's one of the Christmas perks.
He slides into your house with his sack of gifts.
He uses the chimney pipe.
He doesn't like to use the door.
very seldom uses lips he's a cheeky man he's got a beard some people think he's kind of weird he's in your property he comes and goes what else is he doing there no one really knows but we love him because he's got the merchandise and he's handing it out to the
The people who are nice.
Thank you so much Santa, I really wanted this.
In return I'm gonna give you a mince pie and a kiss.
Santa advertises a popular soft drink.
Some people say that he's sold out.
But that's the only way the man can make a living.
Nobody else is paying him for flying around and giving.
Santa has been here.
You can smell him, smell like me.
Whiskey and reindeer But it's not cool to drive and drink Santa has a special way of doing it, I think Which does not endanger his fellow road users And also the people in the sky That's why Santa is my kinda guy That was so long!
How long did that last for?
It was only a minute and a half.
A minute and a half.
I think you've invented time travel.
Seriously, I think they should scrap the CERN collider.
That was good though, that was very good.
That's another one of your catchphrases, isn't it?
There's, you like Star Trek, don't you?
And then there's, that was good though, that was very good.
end of something which you clearly detested.
I didn't detest it.
He didn't detest it.
I've been doing the jigsaw I got in that cracker.
Yeah, Joe was doing the jigsaw that he got in the cracker and then after the song he says you've invented a new form of time travel which appears to stretch time into an unbearably long period.
Hey, I didn't say unbearably.
That's what was implied.
It was bearable.
How long was that?
A minute and a half, wow.
It seemed a lot, lot longer.
It's a festive torpedo with tinsel wrapped round it.
Fired straight into your face as a gift from Jesus and Santa.
Thank you, Jesus.
Earlier this week, right, I had a little weird contretemps with my wife.
It does happen from time to time.
Oh, no.
This one was based on the fact that I came into the house.
Oh, God.
Why do you do that all the time?
I can't help it.
And I found by the CD player, which is very seldom used, I'm ashamed to say, in the house, a Take That Greatest Hit CD.
There's nothing wrong with that.
No, no, no, not per se.
It was new, right?
So I'm thinking, what the heckins?
And so I said very casually later while we were watching television, did you buy that, take that Greatest Hits CD?
immediately the bristles came up.
She started to bristle.
Why?
Was the retort.
I was like, well, so immediately I'm aware of the bristles and I said, well, because I was just, you know, surprised.
That's all.
I didn't realise you were like such a big Take That fan.
She says, why?
Because it's the only CD in the house.
I would say the only CD she's bought in the last, well, as long as I've known her.
And it's Take That's Greatest Hits.
Also, I own Take That's Greatest Hits.
It's in my office, so it's not actually in the house.
It's in the office where I need it for my office business.
One of those vital bits of stationery.
Exactly.
Right, 10.30, relight my fire.
So I said, you know, I've got a copy of Take That's Greatest Hits.
She's like, well, I didn't know that.
How would I possibly know you've got it?
I was like, well, I've got a lot of CDs.
I've got a load.
Before you go and buy a CD like Take That's Greatest Hits, why don't you just mention to me that you're interested in Take That?
Because this is really what this is.
It's a beautiful moment where you both share a love for the same band and instead it's turned into an awful altercation.
It was a bit of acrimony.
It was a shame.
It should have brought you together.
And then I started to, you know, then there's a little bit of a silence.
She said, well, I didn't know, how am I supposed to know you've got to take that's greatest hits?
I wouldn't have thought you did.
I've got loads.
I've got very Catholic taste.
I've got 10,000 CDs or something.
One of them is bound to be a greatest hit CD by one of the greatest bands of the last few decades, I said.
And then there was a little bit of a silence.
And then I said, so what's your favorite take that song then?
At that point I was needling her.
And she didn't like that very much.
And she said, I don't know, I wouldn't answer.
I said, is it the, what's the 70s one, the disco one called, the one they covered?
I don't know.
Yes, you do know.
I said, come on, you know what it is.
Relight my fire.
Do you like that one?
She wasn't playing along by that point.
Well, of course not.
Yeah, because you'd made it so that by answering those questions, you'd won in a way.
I really didn't want to turn it into a confrontation.
This is exactly what she said to me.
But I really, it was honestly not a confrontation, but I was curious.
I was like, what is she?
The thing is she bought it from one of those, like at the checkout.
The thing is, no, but I think I need to solve this problem for you.
Yeah.
Because you can't start the contretemps, then stop it.
It's up to her to stop it if you start it.
You know what I mean?
She doesn't wrap them up nicely though.
She leaves it hanging.
The contretemps.
Well, you're not in no position to say that because you started it.
I know, but I wanted to wrap it up.
I wanted to get in there a little bit more.
Let's get it.
You can have it.
We'll try it again over Christmas.
Christmas is a great time for provoking unnecessary friction.
I'm going to do a lot of it.
No, the reason she bristled was because a lot of the time she comes back with romantic comedies that she's bought at the supermarket and she doesn't like it when I mention them because the implication seems to be that she has totally wasted her money on some pile of old dog rubbish with Cameron Diaz in it or whatever, you know what I mean?
I do know what you mean.
Outside my tiny little cafe in Paris, you'll find two men called Adam and Joe.
All day they sit just talking away.
Sometimes they listen and hear what they say.
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah waffles.
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah pancakes.
They're making a podcast apparently.
It sounds like a load of old crap to me.
If you were listening earlier you would have heard a non-combative song wars based around the little dog that comes into the studio every now and then Boggins the smelly stinky ill old dog who you want to hug but you can't because he's so stinky.
Boggins first came into our lives when we returned from our summer break
this year and almost immediately divided listeners very sharply.
People were writing in apparently serious messages saying I've really enjoyed your shows over the last few years but now I'm going to stop listening because of this dog.
and then other listeners really loved the little chap.
It was hard to know what to do about him.
We've done a little Christmas Panto though for you listeners to hopefully resolve things for this chapter of the programme.
Do you like Christmas Pantos, Joe?
I absolutely adore them.
I've got a huge collection of them.
on DVD?
No, I actually buy the actors and the venues.
Yeah, I'm a multi-millionaire and when I see a really good panto I buy the venue, I buy the actors for life and I just have it running all the time.
You keep them going all year round?
I keep them going all year round, so if I'm in that neck of the woods I can pop in.
Good idea.
And have some festive fun.
You know who is one of my favourite panto stars?
Who?
Brian Blessed.
Not Christopher Boggins?
Christopher Boggins!
He's the guy we should have got for this panto.
Anyway, here's the Adam and Joe Boggins panto, listeners.
Stop it!
Simon!
No!
No, no, no, no!
Are you Santa?
Well, more or less, yes!
And what do you want for Christmas, young man?
Oh, more control tank.
A tank?
There's a terribly violent presence young man, I know what about a lovely little puppy Yes, sort of if you shout at him loud enough sometimes he stops what he's doing Fantastic
Ah, well, yes, you might need it.
I'm joking.
I'm joking, of course.
Simon!
Yes, Brian?
Fetch Boggins!
Will do.
Here he comes now.
Don't worry about the smell, young man.
It's normal.
He's perfectly fine.
I love you.
I'm just going to bite the back of your legs and your face as well.
Not badly, just a little bit.
I love you.
Careful, Boggins.
Don't frighten the boy.
All right, then, Santa.
I left a little present for you under the tree.
I won't tell you what it is, but give it a squeeze.
I think you'll like it.
It's a poo.
Right!
Off you go then, Boggins!
Go with the nice young man!
Bye!
Bye!
I love you, bye!
I love you too!
Bye!
Thank God, I can finally take this suit off.
Brian Blessed and Simon Callow's house there.
That's very heartwarming.
So Boggins has gone off to live with a little orphan boy.
Yeah, exactly.
Well, that's a very happy ending for him.
He's a very old dog.
It's going to saddle that boy with a quite sort of, well, he's going to die very soon.
Yeah.
Also, the upkeep while he's alive of the dog, the maintenance, is going to stretch the boy beyond his limits, I would think.
Yeah.
I mean, where does the boy live?
On the streets?
Yeah, he lives.
He's homeless.
So watch out for the Boy and Boggins begging around the streets of Britain this Christmas, listeners.
There we go listeners, that was our podcast.
We hope you enjoyed it.
Quite Boggins heavy this week, but you know, quite final as well.
Boggins there being given to a little orphan boy and going to live a life on the streets.
Is that happy?
No, because obviously it's no fun being homeless and there are all sorts of challenges, especially with the cold weather.
So in a way, it sort of got rid of Boggins from the show.
He won't be annoying the listeners.
But it's opened up another can of worms.
Yeah, but out of sight, out of mind.
Don't you think?
That's a Christmassy sentiment.
You know?
Isn't that what Jesus said?
Is that from the Bible?
That sounds like classic Jesus, yeah.
It sounds like a parable.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Poor little bargains.
Hey, here's a message.
We got so many really nice messages from people saying goodbye to us and saying they were sorry we were taking such a long break, etc.
This one is from Steve Curran, aka Steven.
He says, with Stevenage on the wane and your show about to go into hibernation,
I thought it might be timely to let you know the positive impact all this Stephen business has had on my life.
As a direct result of the phenomenon, I have gained a new group of friends.
Amy, Carolyn, Martha, Clara, um, all people that contacted me over the internet, and I ended up meeting in person.
We now gather from time to time, share a few drinks and prattle nonsense.
Last week we had our Black Squadron Christmas drinks in a pub in Southwark.
And we'll be getting together in the new year.
They're a lovely bunch, so I have plenty to thank you both for.
And if that isn't a heart-warming Christmas tale, I don't know what is.
Just going, says Stephen.
Wow, thank you, Stephen.
That's extremely nice of you.
We also got an email from Ben Mercer, who won.
the Song Wars competition that we did earlier in the year with his cover of the Sontem of Qualis.
And he says that through Twitter and something called Twit Squadron, who are Adam and Joe listeners who gather on Twitter, he has a whole kind of phalanx of fans that turn up at his concerts and sing along to the Sontem of Qualis.
Good one.
So you know, that's heartwarming as well.
Absolutely.
Hey listeners, you know- My heart's actually boiling.
Is it?
It's boiling, yeah, it's actually- It's overheating.
It's overheating, it's letting off steam.
Oh man.
Yeah, I'm about to have a coronary as well, an emotional coronary.
Obviously we're going to miss you listeners, goes without saying.
But we will be back, so listen out for us later in the year.
Yeah.
In the meantime, don't forget to check out the blog.
I'm going to do my level best to post a Christmas message from the Queen-a-la-ra-la-ra.
I will do that either on Christmas Day or Boxing Day, and so we'll try and put a link to it on the Adam and Jo blog.
If not, it'll be floating around on my YouTube channel, I should think, unless it gets taken down by the Queen-a-la-ra-la-ra.
But listen, folks, have an amazing, happy Christmas and a wonderful new year.
Don't forget to tune in for the Boxing Day show next week.
Yeah.
And thank you again to everyone who has listened and particularly everyone who's contributed, be it a Black Squadron photo or a text or a long email or a song.
We love them all.
And we're so grateful for everything everybody's done.
Yeah, we really are.
Can't say that enough.
So take care.
We love you.
Bye.
Merry Christmas.
Bye.
You've gotta take tea, won't you take it with me?
What a gay time it will be.
Milk and sugar, bread and jam.
Yes please sir and thank you ma'am.
Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep.
God on the face of spirit.